Bye-Bye, I sit and Cry, for CSI, the Heart Don’t Lie

Those of you who have been reading regularly may have seen this coming. But I didn’t. Those of you in Hamilton may be glad to hear it. But I’m not.

February 28th will be my last day in my beloved office at CSI.

I know, I can hear all the people saying “WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?? Throwin’ so many balls up in the air, you, who don’t even know how to juggle,” and ” Just get an office here, or work out of your cafe!”

But people, it’s not about an office (beautiful though it was!), CSI is an INCUBATOR, and I’m not fully INCUBATED yet! I’m like a chicken without feathers, fallen out of the coop too soon! Wrinkly and rubbery and I can’t even feed myself and nobody else is EVER going to understand me! I’m afraid I’m going to slip into a pit of despair and never get out.

Here is the Love Note I sent the the membership for Valentines Day:

Love Note for CSI: I found my voice at CSI, in the course of becoming myself. Now I am learning to speak my truth. What I know for sure is that the Journey is best shared. How glad am I to share it with you, the people at the Centre of it all.

The CSI folks were great, trying to find a solution with me but none of the solutions are near-future enough. And so my heart is broken. This is not how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to get too big for the space and be forced to move somewhere else, with shrubbery and marble fountains. I have this sense that maybe, in the big picture, it’s all good. But right now I just want to put my head under a pillow and never come out. And I don’t want to go to the party on the 26th cause everybody hates me. And nobody even knows me anymore. Whaaah!

And where’d my sense of community go? Was I buying it?

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5 thoughts on “Bye-Bye, I sit and Cry, for CSI, the Heart Don’t Lie

  1. oh rebecca,

    i totally understand how you feel when you describe not feeling fully incubated.
    IT’s okay to feel like you want to flip from being full of rage to wanting to stick your head under a pillow.

    there are many people who will help feed you, many more who will understand you, and you may fall into the pit of despair for awhile- but i guarantee you – you will come out. You love life too much to stay in a pit forever. and that is what you inspire in others.

    MOST important- you absolutely have to go to the party on the 26th! people do not hate you, they do remember you. and you must go to see all the people you love there so you can find ways to express your gratitude to them and let them know that you want to continue to know them. I am certain they will tell you the same, they will be sad to see you go this moment, and that your sense of being a part of community is REAL. human relationships exist beyond money, it is your genuine connections to these people that make you a part of the community.

    you continue to be an inspiration to me. even if you think you are not a professional juggler. hating yourself this moment will not help you. and besides, no one else will believe it a worthy cause either.

    love,
    m

  2. This is sad news indeed. I have to say that in the year and a half that I have been at CSI, you have definitely been one of the people that made the place special. You are a kind, nurturing and exceedingly generous person. Always the first to step forward to volunteer and contribute. Your goodness inspires goodness. Focusing on your cafe is certainly understandable, and I wish you the success you deserve.

    Here’s one of my favourite quotes to consider when I’m facing times of crisis and change:

    “I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.”
    ~ His Holiness the Dalai Lama

    Yes, I hope you do come to the party on the 26th. I’m going to need a hug.

    • You see, there’s another thing; if it’s the space that binds us and we lose the space, do we lose us?
      I hope you guys will play the Heart of the Hammer when your tour comes through! Come stay with us, we have space. And don’t lose me!!

  3. Well, I did try to get to the party, but what with snow and sick children it just wasn’t happening. I’m not really as whiney as I sometimes sound in my head.

    Moving out on Sunday was sad, but then I realized that I had kind of moved out in October when we started the cafe, only I hadn’t realized it. Maybe I am incubated enough…

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